Thanks to home-editing our apartment, we found the list of questions we asked each other before getting married. 

The question-asking was a crucial part of our marriage process. Our local mosque required us to go through a questionnaire they posted online as well as do one pre-marital counseling session with the Imam. 

We quickly realized that a bunch of the questions didn’t apply to our situation, but it was still good to read through them. We even giggled at some. 

There were topics that were relevant to us that weren’t in the questionnaire, so we added our own questions. We’re so glad we did because they generated good discussion and helped us get clearer on what we were both comfortable and uncomfortable with. 

Here are the questions used from the questionnaire AND the ones we added.

Personal/leisure

What are the things you do in your free time?

What are your hobbies?

What is your idea of an ideal day?

Do you travel?

How do you spend your vacations?

How do you think your spouse should spend vacations?

Do you read? And if so, what do you like to read?

Core values:

What do you want in life?

What are your goals and aspirations in life — long-term and short-term plans?

Identify three things that you want to accomplish in the near future.

Identify three things that you want to accomplish long-term.

What do you want/are your expectations in a marriage?

What are your thoughts on polygamy?

Religious relationship:

What is the role of religion in your life right now?

Do you consider yourself a spiritual person?

How would you describe your relationship with God?

What is your understanding of an Islamic marriage?

What can you offer your mate spiritually?

What are you expecting of your spouse religiously?

Would you want your spouse to remind you/advise you about prayer, religious obligations?

What is the best way your spouse can approach those situations?

Do you believe in spiritual and intellectual growth as a couple?

What are some spiritual activities you would like to do with your spouse?

What is your relationship with the Muslim community in your area? 

Gender roles:

What is the role of a husband?

What is the role of a wife?

What are your expectations for food?

Work, life or family — what comes first and why?

How do you feel about women working outside of the home?

What if the woman is more successful will that affect you, how?

What do you think about a woman traveling alone? Are you comfortable with that for your own wife?

Health:

Do you suffer from any chronic disease or condition?

Are you willing to take a physical exam by a physician before marriage?

What is your understanding of proper health and nutrition?

How do you support your own health and nutrition?

Would you characterize yourself as a physically active person?

What expectations do you have about your spouse’s health including weight?

Define mental, verbal, emotional and physical abuse.

Financial relationship:

What is your occupation?

What is your definition of wealth?

How do you spend your money?

How do you save your money?

How do you think that your use of money will change after marriage?

Do you have any debt now and if so how are you making progress/how do you plan to eliminate the debt?

Do you use credit cards?

Do you support the idea of taking out loans to buy a home?

What is your financial responsibility in a marriage?

What are you expecting from your spouse financially?

Do you support the idea of a working wife?

If so how do you think a dual income family should manage funds?

Do you currently use a budget to manage your finances?

Who are the people to whom you are financially responsible?

Emotional relationship:

Are you more of a spontaneous person or a planned one?

Are you an introvert or extrovert?

How would you describe your personality?

What’s your love language?

After marriage do you think that you are one to express romantic feelings verbally?

After marriage do you think that you want to express affection in public?

How do you express your admiration for someone that you know now?

How do you express your feelings to someone who has done a favor for you?

Do you like to write your feelings?

How do you make important and less important decisions in your life?

Do you use foul language at home? In public? With your family?

Do your friends use foul language? Does your family?

In-laws:

How would you describe your relationship with your mom, dad, siblings respectively?

What do you expect the relationship between your spouse and your family to be like?

What are your parents expectations for a daughter-in-law/son-in-law?

Are you comfortable with us talking to each other’s parents about certain things regarding our relationship?

What do you expect your relationship to be like with the family of your spouse?

Are you planning to have anyone in your family live with you in the future?

How would you respond if there is a potential conflict between your mother and I?

If for any reason my relationship with your family turns sour what should be done?

Friendships and social relationships:

Who are your friends? Identify at least three.

How did you get to know them?

Why are they your friends?

What do you like most about them?

What will your relationship with them be like after marriage?

What type of relationship do you want your spouse to have with your friends?

Do you have friends from the opposite sex? What is the level of your relationship with them now?

What will the level of your relationship with them be after marriage?

How often do you use social media and for what purposes? How do you envision using it in the future? What are you comfortable with and uncomfortable with on social media?

Should interactions with the opposite gender be limited? What are your expectations?

What are your thoughts on going out alone with friends at night, while married? Should these outings be limited, how so?

Do you like to have guests in your home for entertainment?

What are you expecting from your spouse when your friends come to the house?

Raising children:

Do you want to have children? If not, why?

To the best of your understanding are you able to have children?

What happens if I or you are unable to have children? What are the options you would consider? What won’t you consider?

Do you want to have children in the first two years of marriage? If not, then when?

Do you believe in abortion in your family, under what circumstances?

What is the best method of raising children in your opinion?

What is the best method of disciplining children in your opinion?

How were you raised? How were you disciplined?

What is going to be your role if we have kids?

Do you believe in spanking children? Under what circumstances?

Do you believe in public schools for your children? Do you believe in Islamic schools for your children? Do you believe in homeschooling your children? If so by whom?

Do you support the idea of utilizing babysitters and maids?

What type of relationship should your children have with non-Muslim classmates and friends?

Would you send your children to visit their extended family if they lived in another state or country?

What type of relationship do you want your children to have with their grandparents/family?

Conflict:

Do you tend to feel comfortable dealing with conflict, or do you try to avoid it?

If you wrong someone how do you apologize?

If someone wrong with you do you want them to apologize to you?

How much time passes before you choose to forgive someone?

How do you express anger?

How do you expect your spouse to express anger?

What do you do when you are angry/upset? What would you like a spouse to do in that situation?

When are the times that you would rather be left alone (tired, sick)?

When you were upset do you want your spouse or do you want the person who upset you to discuss the issue with you?

When there’s a dispute in your marriage religious or not how should the conflict be resolved?

Do you believe in marriage counseling? Do you believe in it only when there is an apparent problem, or do you see it as a preventative measure?

When do you think it is appropriate to initiate mediation in a marriage?

Thought-provoking/situational:

Why do you think people get divorced nowadays? 

If you are going to school while we are married what are your expectations from your spouse? Also what are your expectations of yourself in terms of time spent with family etc.?

If you got the dream job and it required do you to travel away from your family would you take it?

If one day your wife dressed in an outfit that you thought was borderline immodest how would you approach the situation?

Why have you chosen me as your potential spouse?

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These questions were relevant to us when we were getting to know each other, but they might not be relevant to you, we recommend you think deeply about what matters to you and frame your questions around that. 

If you’re looking for more resources on getting married, we recommend the book “Before You Tie the Knot.”